I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
