I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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