Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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