Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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