I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
