i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
