Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize