your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
