I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
