WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
