I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
