i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
