It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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