I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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