Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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