Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
