God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
