why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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