I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
