I hate your face
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
