dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
