i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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