Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Randomize
