If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
