I just threw up on my dentist
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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