Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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