things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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