I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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