i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
