Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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