Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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