Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
