Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
