the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
