her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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