people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
