I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
