After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
