No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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