i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
