I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
