I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
