Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
