look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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