I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
it's like iHOP with fire
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize