Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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