The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
