New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
