i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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