im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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