Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
