Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
