All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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