How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
