I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
im on a boat
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