i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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