everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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