he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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