My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Soap is not a condiment
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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