I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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