it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
