He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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