So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
