i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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