kristin has been a bad kristin
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
