How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
