I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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