Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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