On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
