oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
