Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
