I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
