I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
