Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think my mom watched the whole time
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
