you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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